June 23, 2007
We are at the three-week mark and just as I predicted, this is the point where people start rubbing each other the wrong way. This happens every time I get together with this family, whether it’s at our place or theirs. The big blowup was right before we left yesterday to Mahaballipuram. Abi has been spoiled by her grandmother this whole time and I have allowed it up to a point. But as is natural with kids, give them an inch and they’ll take it a mile. Abi loves dosas. Dosas are nutritious because they are made of lentils and rice. They are supposed to be eaten with sambar and other vegetable dishes to make a balanced meal. Abi just eats them plain most of the time or will soak up the gravy and leave the veggies. In addition she’s on a fruit boycott with the exception of about ½ an apple a day maybe. If Abi is given something to eat for a meal, she whines a little bit and her grandma will immediately take that food away and give her a dosa or two instead. This has been going on for three weeks. So yesterday morning she got her dosa. She said she didn’t want it after all. V said she needed to eat it all because we were going on the road and would have a late lunch. Besides, if she cried for a dosa and one was made fresh especially for her (the rest of us were eating other things), she'd beter eat the dosa. She threw a fit and grandma tore it in half and said she just had to eat half. V told her she had to eat it all and then my father in law came into the kitchen and ate half of it, thinking it was going to waste. V stormed upstairs to vent to me about it. I went downstairs and asked my mother in law to make another dosa and this time Abi was going to eat it all. I told her that Abi has not been eating well this trip was getting a little spoiled and since she asked for a dosa for breakfast she needed to eat it. Period. I said I was going up to finish getting ready and would be down soon. I went down a few minutes later and there was no dosa. My mother in law said Abi was gagging on it and she was not going to force her to eat it, so she took away the last few bites. (Abi later admitted she was faking the gagging so she could get out of eating the dosa, since gagging always gets Nitara out of eating her food.) I told her that V and I wanted her to finish it all, and if she was concerned about something she needed to come upstairs and ask us about it. She totally flipped and started crying and yelling at me about how she has no rights as her grandmother, that I was the parent and she should have listed to me and gone upstairs, but that I had no right to talk to her that way. I was thinking, what I am I doing wrong other than trying to enforce my parental decision? It turns out that it was extremely disrespectful to ask her to come upstairs to talk to me because she’s an older person and I should only always be going to her. How was I supposed to know that? Anyway, I told her I was sorry to talk to her like that and show disrespect and was just concerned about Abi’s health. She then started crying and yelling again. Here we are back from our trip and she’s still giving me the cold shoulder. Next time we come, it will be for only three weeks. And the same goes for any trips they make to our place if I have any say in the matter (which I never do).
In Indian culture the daughter in law never ever talks back to her mother in law. Ever. V's family is more liberal but I think I crossed a line even so. Part of me thinks I should have just let Abi eat dosas for the rest of the visit and just fix things when we get home. The other part of me thinks that I need to step in as her parent because things have gone way too far. By the way, today at breakfast, away from her grandmother, Abi ate a bowl of cereal, a slice of toast, and some juice with only a little bit of a fuss because had ordered room service. For lunch she ate a veggie triple decker sandwhich. For dinner when we got home she ate the other half of the sandwhich but she did fuss for a dosa. My mother in law went upstairs without comment. She's still pretty upset. Gulp.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hi
I wanted to add my comment as i could identify with some parts of the scenario you described. I am an Indian person who has lived in the US but currently living in India. I too have these clashes with my in-laws (my parents too to some extent but it does not end up as damaging since we have a parent-daughter relationship). I feel that growing up in the US, the parents have the most say in the behavior and upbringing of the kids since most people do not live with extended family members. In Indian culture, the grandparents do think that they have a certain amount of say when it comes to their grand kids. After all, they brought up their own kids feel that they should be trusted. I remember my childhood days where even my great grandmother was a very positive influence on me when she visited us or when we spent our holidays with cousins in our ancestral home. It is that cultural view that the grandparents carry in their mind and feel offended if the parent interferes in their interaction with the grandchild. Hard to let things go when you are seeing your child behave not according to your reasonable wishes. Kids visiting India from the US sometimes may grow tired of the food they eat here and start rejecting it. I know how tough it is to navigate the dynamics of in-laws relationship especially when it comes to handling kids. My father-in-law once told me that it is inevitable that the kids will have a part of them that is from their grandparents, some part that is from their parents. This was when there were undercurrents during their visit to the US and i was obviously not happy with the instructions my kid was getting from them. Anyway, i have moved on now and pick my battles only when it is really necessary. I do not sweat the small stuff if it is a once in a long time happening. My M-I-L for her part (who is a very sensitive lady) minimizes her interaction with the kids when i am around!
About daughters-in-law not speaking against their MIL, it is also true to some extent with sons-in-law and girl's parents because once you let some harsh words out it is difficult for either party to forget it that generously unlike what you do with your own children.
My main point is that i wanted to share that there are others who have these experiences too. Sometimes, the less time you spend together the better the relationship tends to be! :-). I wish that things improve as time passes.
Regards,
Shree
I identify so much with your issues with traveling to a foreign country to visit in-laws. My husband is from Iran and I've been there 3 times, and you're right... somewhere around week 3 things just seem to fall apart. I can't eat the main source of meat in Iran (lamb) so I subsist for weeks on rice, bread, cheese, salad, and chicken kebobs. It gets OLD. Toward the end of every visit I get tired and snappish and things tend to fall apart. Luckily they don't speak a word of English, so they don't know what I'm saying when I lose it.
I think our future visits will be 10 days to 2 weeks. Maybe it's a good thing my son is starting school! At least we'll have a good excuse to make our visits short. We can't travel at all in the summer because the ticket prices are exhorbitant.
Post a Comment