Culture clashes

June 8, 2007

We are having some culture clashes. My husband falls naturally back into the ways of his family, while I have a harder time adjusting. The current issue is that it seems everything is made much more complicated than it has to be. It is so frustrating. We can’t have a conversation about anything without the entire family getting consulted with. And everyone has their own opinion. The baby sling, which was found some days ago, is still sitting in a hotel in Malaysia. The longer it sits, the more chance there is of it getting tossed or taken. The hotel employee offered to FedEx it for $39. I think that’s very reasonable and I will gladly pay that. I was all ready to call them with our credit card number and was stopped by everyone. It seems that it would not be secure to give them our card number (even though our card has fraud protection and we used the card in Malaysia already). It was advised to get a pre paid debit card instead. The card has not been purchased yet. Then my in laws suggested that we contact some person they know who goes to Malaysia often on business, and wait for him to go again and collect the sling. That person has not been contacted yet to even see if he’s going anytime soon. Then when the man gets the sling and flies back to India he will put it in the local mail. I know how reliable the local mail is. There is a very good chance the sling will get stolen or lost in the mail. But my in laws think that $39 is too much to spend on FedEx. My husband is going along with them. When I spoke up to remind them that (a) it’s my sling and (b) I want it shipped ASAP, and (c) the sling is worth $39 to me, I was blown off. I had to speak up loudly and rather ungracefully to have my way. I was told they would get the debit card but it still has not been purchased or sent across. The powerlessness is so frustrating to me. Back home I would just do things my way. There is no need to involve the entire household in the recovery of my sling.

Second example: yesterday we were planning to go the tailor’s to get Abi measured for school uniforms, and both girls measured for fancy dresses for Nitara’s special homa (fire ceremony for health and long life). The tailor is about five minutes walk from the house. I suggested walking, and did not want to have Nitara riding in the car in this heat without good reason—she gets carsick. Besides it would take longer to get us all in the car and drive there and park than it would to just walk. The whole way there is completely shaded with trees. I stood my ground and said that Nitara could just be carried the short distance on V’s hip. I was told I was complicating things by mentioning her carsickness (not to mention that the carseat was left in the other car that was taken by my brother in law to the office). There was also the question of who was going to stay with the baby at home while he napped. They went back and forth with that issue until I said I would watch him—my presence was not needed at the tailor’s anyway. The final solution was that my husband and Nitara walked, everyone else drove in the car. At home I could have just taken Nitara and Abi out by myself. Here I have to depend on everyone else to take me places. I don’t even have spending money because my husband feels it’s okay to borrow money from his parents and pay them back at the end of the trip. I feel awkward borrowing money for every small thing I might want including a snack or drink.

At least the kids are having a really great time. I am sitting in the room trying to stay out of the way and knitting a lot. Thank goodness for knitting! His family is really nice, but I feel so much like I don’t belong sometimes. They speak mostly Tamil or a mix of English and Tamil, just enough that I can’t quite follow the conversations. I really miss my independence and my freedom. I can’t even go for a walk or run by myself. I am not familiar enough with the crazy traffic and systems of streets (as in, very few street names are displayed) and language to venture out alone.

Next week we are going to a hill station Kodai. We have to drive the airport, fly about an hour, and then drive 3 hours by car. Nitara is just getting her tummy settled again because I’m not letting her go out unless it’s absolutely necessary. Everyone thinks I’m being overly protective and they want to take her around and don’t have any regard for her need to sleep, eat her small meals, and stay healthy. I think these people must have endless energy to go all over the place with not much time in between to recover. It’s crazy. I’m thankful that we are seeing so much of India. At the same time I’m tired and cranky and the kids desperately want a routine.

The one bright spot is that yesterday we went to the mall. I had to get a Hawaiian style skirt for Anirudh’s big birthday party, which is going to be held at a hotel and is going to be totally Hawaiian. Everyone has to dress the part. Even my mother in law’s sari will be Hawaiian print. Of course I had to ask my sister in law to pay for the skirt. Then we went to the toy store to get a ball for the kids to kick around the courtyard outside. My brother in law went crazy spoiling Abi and bought her whatever she wanted and stuff for Nitara too, who stayed at home. In addition to the ball he bought them some Littlest Pet Shop figures (a bargain at $2 each), a ring toss, and a pile of wooden puzzles. I was going to “buy” the puzzles myself but he snatched them out of my arms and bought them instead, saying they were his gifts to the kids. I had to really put my foot down to prevent him from buying a cheap plastic toy guitar. He even had everything gift wrapped. Then we went to the snack shop and I got a Bel Puri (hold the chili) and Abi had three Jelabi’s, which totally ruined her appetite for dinner. But it was nice to see her enjoying herself so much.

June 9, 2007

No more Bel Puri. Bad stomach. Ugh.

The power goes off a few times a day but it usually comes back on within minutes. The internet is also painfully slow, but at least I can get on sometimes and stay in touch with my friends in the States.